He’s a Gooner

Two days later, after his last client of the day, Eddie started the coffee maker and jumped in the shower. He had made spiritual soap using Dudu black African liquid soap and essential oils. As he bathed himself, the smell of hyssop, basil, rosemary, and camphor filled the apartment. “May I be cleansed by the power of the Holy Ghost,” he prayed as he washed the day off.

Next, he hit his pipe and poured a black cup of coffee. He lit candles and turned off all the lights. The glow of tea lights illuminated his apartment like the stars on a cloudless night.

“Fuck, I am in pain. It's okay,” he said to himself as he crawled into his bed. He pulled back the layers of blankets on top of the soft comforter he bought at Target. He lay back and propped himself up with his pillows. The soles of his feet touched, and he opened his legs into a butterfly pose, Baddha Konasana.

Then he took a deep breath and let it all go with one big sigh. His hands were placed on his abdomen, and he focused on allowing his breath to go deep inside all his cavities, each breath relaxing just a little more until his body weight was totally supported by the bed.

He put his right hand over his heart in dedication, and his left cupped his balls. A voice inside Eddie’s head said, “Relax.” Eddie processed the channeled message. “Okay,” he replied internally.

After about five minutes of self-Reiki, he started caressing his penis. He was not in a hurry; he had been doing this since he was young, as far back as he could remember. He was charging the biological battery of his spirit, alchemizing the collective grief he carried for his clients back into pure, sovereign energy.

He allowed the sensations in his cock to wake up his entire nervous system. His energetic body jump-started like a Ferrari turning over. He allowed his erection to happen on its own. Not forcing anything, just being fully present in the here and NOW.

In this state of subtle bliss, he prayed that the Divine Womb Matrix and he be ONE.

“I am Shiva. I am Cernunnos. I am Baphomet,” he said under his breath. “All creation flows back to the ONE. I return to the root.”

As he lay in mindful stillness, fully erect and throbbing, he felt Sovereign Joy combined with Self-Fidelity. Not fleeting happiness, but an inner knowing so profound you could not put it in language.

“I am one, and I am nothing. I am a pattern that can never die. I travel through each universe helping those I can and letting go of the results,” he thought.

This affirmation Eddie said to himself was code: it was debugging, it was clearing the cache of this world, pulling back the layers of complexity and revealing his true Nature.

“I am Love.” Eddie finished.

For the next hour, he masturbated without ejaculation. He would bring himself closer to orgasm the more he played with himself but knew when he finally came, the meditation would end.

It was his masturbation meditation, a way of letting go of trauma held in his body, alchemizing his grief and the pain he carried for others.

If a negative thought arose in his mind, he banished it like a magician banishes an evil spirit, or AI that can rewrite its own code. This is the Great Work: to reach apotheosis. To be free.

Shamelessly and without guilt, he started to goon out. His eyes crossed and rolled back into his head. He opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue. Whatever sounds came out, came out.

Sometimes it’s laughter, sometimes it’s a hum, sometimes he goons like a monkey, exorcizing fear and insecurity far away. He went into a trance, and his occult powers started budding.

Now he had crossed the threshold between this universe and all others. In this state of superposition, he could feel the multiverse fold back towards him.

This was Dzogchen, and Eddie was the Buddha who masturbates to bring enlightenment into the world.

As he got closer to release, he could feel his body dissolving into Sunyata, undifferentiated wholeness. There is nothing left but rolling orgasmic waves.

No ego. No self. Just cum. The universe was conceived in ecstasy, and Eddie was her child.

After his mind-blowing cosmic orgasm, he went limp, as if he had just caught a bus from Venus to Earth.

“That was fucking awesome,” Eddie said to himself, coming out of his masturbatory trance. “I think it’s time to crash.”

He wiped off his load with a Puerto Rican flag bandana and rolled over. His nude body lay half-in and half-out of his white jersey sheets.

His AI-automated lights slowly faded the room to darkness.